Are you at least 25 years old, breasts, smooth legs, What Kills Relationships eyelash skills, and you identify as a woman, not a combat helicopter?
If so, you’ve probably already noticed that the more you give in a relationship, the less you get. As if the logic of how reality functions has broken down and stopped working.
Then you sit down with friends who have experienced the same and get drunk and try to figure out what it is all about. After all, you are well-groomed, you have already spent 1/4 of your salary on cosmetics, somewhere in the drawer you have a graduation diploma from SGH, UMK or UW and you listen to a guy with a hopeless nickname “Volant”, so you remember that men do not like limiting. DilMil.co When they start to hear orders, prohibitions, and nagging, they go into flight mode. Then they feel that their life will become the equivalent of a tie worn under the color of their partner’s prom dress, and they are as excited about it as they think about going to a summer camp… to a camp in North Korea.
Okay, “Don’t be a Pussy Pussy” – noted. Instead, you do something else – you don’t want him to give up on anything, so you start adjusting to him instead. He said he didn’t want to change the flat? You are giving up yours. Did he say he likes blondes? You dye your hair. He likes chicken soup that you don’t like? You start cooking it three times a week.
He’s not asking you to. You do it all by yourself, you are not obtrusive, and yet you feel that he is pushing you away. Your system freezes. Critical errors pop up. You blink your eyelids and duke: “But … but … why? I am not forcing him to do anything. I’m not taking anything – I’m just giving.
And yet, then there is pressure in the relationship. I’ll explain how it works.
A gift you are unable to accept – What Kills Relationships
Imagine you are going out with your friends for wine and gossip. There you meet a person with whom you get on well – let’s assume that she is your peer – some Ania or another Zuzia. She complements your earrings and you compliment the gold watch her parents gave her for eighteen. Both of you are counting on Cersei from Game of Thrones to die spectacularly. You enjoy the same memes. You roll your eyes at the same time and add sentences for yourself. Even after returning to your homes, you exchange dozens of messages without feeling any awkwardness. Yes, it’s friendship.
And then out of the blue, at the next meeting, this Ania or Zuzia brings you her golden watch, which is so important to her. It’s packed in a box with a bow and she hands it to you and says she wanted to give it to someone like you.
You feel distinguished but also embarrassed. Airborne awkwardness can be cut with a knife like jelly.
You wonder what exactly is going on here.
Think it’s too soon.
You don’t see the reason why she wants to give you such a gift. You know each other so briefly!
Most of all, you feel the pressure on your chest. You think you may never want or will never be able to give her something like that, so you say what men say: “You’re too good for me and you deserve more than I can give you.”
Only rubble is left of the chance for a beautiful friendship.
Why pressure destroys, i.e. the rule of reciprocity
I don’t know if you are able to empathize with the situation described above. Am because I have experienced it many times myself. I am one of those people who prefer to give than to take, and when I get something, I immediately feel the need to pay back. If we believe science and Robert Cialdini, we all feel like that. This phenomenon is called the “rule of reciprocity”, What Kills Relationships which consists in feeling an internal compulsion to compensate someone for effort, expenses, and feelings.
When someone gives you a compliment, you smile and say something equally nice. Someone brings wine to the meeting, you bake the pizza. When someone calls you with DilMil wishes, chances are good that you will, even if you usually just say “100 years!” on someone else’s blackboard. And it’s okay as long as you give each other evenly, but when you get too much at once, you look for a What Kills Relationships trick and start running away – from commitments, expectations, experiences that you haven’t signed up for.
The effect is then the same as in the case of giving orders and prohibitions. Then he feels compelled to do what you want. If you give “gifts” in the form of aligning with his expectations, he also feels COMPULSION to reciprocate for everything you do for him. And it just so happens that it’s not a pleasant feeling. Why? Because the word “must” takes away our willingness to do anything. “Must” is the opposite of happiness – is there anything you think about in the “must” category and love it at the same time? I doubt it.
One thing separates good relationships from bad relationships
When I was still playing pool regularly, I used to go to a club where you had a view of the bowling alley while smashing balls. Almost every time I saw couples on them, the behavior of which showed that it was the first date. How tense they were was at a hundred meters, and I felt sorry that someone told these guys that to have a chance for something more than watching porn movies every night, you have to make an impression, be original and try hard .
You know, I’ve been through a bit. Enough to know that relationships are fun when they are not under pressure. You don’t have to say to yourself, “I have to stay in touch, I have to avoid awkward silence, I have to make a good impression.” There is no buying into someone else’s grace or giving up your plans, because “maybe it will be for life”. There is no suffocating feeling that something has to come out of it or else the world will collapse, nor censoring your beliefs. Effort to be someone referred to using adjectives. At the highest levels. There are no substitutes for the soulless, energy-draining word “must.”
What Kills Relationships
In nice relations, you buy sandwiches, put them in paper bags and go to the grass. Or you go out for burgers and with a twinkle in your eye you challenge yourself: “I bet you don’t eat three.” Stories are told about when you found out that Santa Claus doesn’t exist and how you met your What Kills Relationships best friend. You go out into the city without a plan, and end up in a pub that you would never go to by yourself. You do all these ordinary, unplanned, little things that make no one feel like they have to do anything.
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This is because good relationships – like anything that makes you happy – require freedom, not the pressure of expectation. Rather going with wine to the Vistula River than drinking prosecco with strawberries in a trendy pub. That’s why you don’t need to be able to calculate integrals, but this lack of pressure is worth learning. So as not to stick a stick up your ass. Do not pull your stomach in. Don’t rush. Accept the possibility that nothing can come out of it and it doesn’t have to be anyone’s fault. Understand What Kills Relationships that someone must be satisfied with what person you normally are, because this is the version of you he will see most often.